SPECIAL REPORT FROM DR SCHLIEFKE:
THE COLOR OF PHLEGM
January 27, 2004 - It may be
the middle of winter in most locales throughout the Northern Hemisphere,
with predictably cold, miserable weather beating down cold, miserable
people living in miserably cold, snowy, ice laden lands, but here in
central Texas, with a few nice days thrown into the mix, winter only
means one thing, much like the rest of the calendar year: allergies.
|
Nothing helps a sick body like Robitussin. |
These past two weeks have been a roller coaster ride for allergies
in Austin, and Dr Schliefke was not immune to them himself.
So, SCHLIEFKEVISION's resident non-medical practitioner has put
together a handy little guide to self diagnosis of problems for all
of SCHLIEFKEVISION's readers. Using some crack internet
research, wild guesses, and drawing from personal experience the past two weeks,
this guide to your problems is easy to use: Just match the
color of your phlegm to the color swatch listed below, and find out
the cause of your discomfort and see what can be done to relieve
your symptoms. |
NOTE: THIS CHART PROBABLY SHOULD
NEVER BE REPRODUCED ANYWHERE
|
COLOR OF PHLEGM |
CAUSE OF ILLNESS |
DR SCHLIEFKE PRESCRIPTION: |
|
|
Clear/white phlegm is generally a good thing. It's all in your
head. |
Get out
more, go drinking, meet new people. Stop talking about your
ex. |
|
|
Too many
carbs in your diet. |
Start ordering your Whoppers with extra pickles, hold the bun. |
|
|
Body has
been over-exerted. |
Stop
exercising, get some sleep the old fashioned way: after drinking
whisky, straight. You can begin to consider taking Robitussin
and watch your symptoms carefully. |
|
|
More a
cold than an infection. |
Robitussin, but just enough to catch a small buzz. And lots of
clear drinks: vodka, gin, |
|
|
Allergies tinged with some sort of bacterial infection of the
pancreas. |
Robitussin, and loads of it. Drink it from the bottle (is
there any other way?) and then plenty of other dark fluids - whisky,
rum, Guinness. |
|
|
You have
serious medical issues. It's called
currant jelly. There's a good chance you will die, sorry. |
Dying
is not funny, get to a doctor fast. Really, this is a true
medical condition. |
|
