Shit, sometimes life just messes with you. Just a couple days before Christmas my nephews and niece came down with covid. To help save their Christmas, I literally delivered upon my role as the Cool Uncle. Hence, Crappy Meals were invented to brighten their day.
The Birth of CrapDonald’s Crappy Meals
Because my personal kitchen skills often can be described as ‘pragmatic’ and ‘haphazard’, I knew I’d have to up the ante to deliver a surprise meal to the kids. On a shopping trip with mom I picked up lunch bags and some parchment paper. I cut the McDonald’s arches in half, and rotated them 90°counterclockwise to create a C. Armed with some markers, I drew the C in red and outlined it in a yellow box on the parchment paper and bags, creating the CrapDonald’s logo.
Since these were going to be Crappy Meals, I thought some crappy kids games would fit the bill. I created a word search, mostly filled with X’s with words like ‘Covid’ and ‘Poop’ hidden inside. A Fun Connect the Dots was drawn as well, which resulted with 4 points making an as advertised fun shape – a square. I filled the rest of the bags with word searches with fun words like ‘flu’ and ‘snot’ then finished the fourth side with a visit from Dr. Covid. I quickly drew a doctor with a lamp on his head, with a nasal swap surrounded by dotted lines. The bag exhorted ‘Fun Home Covid Test’ and ‘Test your friends!
Cooking and Delivery
With the bags complete, I wrapped up some pickles, a whole onion, and a potato in CrapDonalds branded parchment paper. I got to work on the burgers, frying up some smashed sliders using my own little recipe.
As the burgers came off the pan, I assembled them on their toasted, buttery buns and wrapped them in the CrapDonald’s parchment papers I prepared earlier. I added an early Christmas present to each bag – a set of my own Kansas City Magic Shrinks they were going to get on Christmas. When they were all done, Mom and I hurried over to my brother’s house to feed some hungry mouths.
They loved the burgers, were delighted by the packaging, and laughed along at the irony of it all. My sister in law graciously allowed for ample use of the word ‘crappy’ by all the kids in light of the circumstances. The eldest laughed and chirped – “A square? A square’s funny? Ha!” They devoured the burgers, pulled out the Magic Shrinks and had a fun little moment on an otherwise sick and dreary Christmas Eve.
CrapDonald’s Crappy Meal Burger Recipe
Buy a pound of hamburg and roll out 1/3-1/4 pound meatballs, shouldn’t be very big, probably just 1″-1 1/4, 1 1/2″ max diameters.
When done, put them in the freezer for 15-20 minutes. putting a little bit of A1 in the the meat is fine too. Same goes for small chopped onions, although those can be cooked on the side.
Heat up a frying pan, if you have a glass lid for the pan that works best
When meatballs are cold, take them out and squeeze out ample yellow mustard onto the hot pan. Crack ample black pepper over the mustard, put meatball on top of mustard and pepper, press down hard with a spatula until the burger is 1/2″ thick.
Cover and let the burger cook for a bit, you want to get a nice crust on the bottom side.
Cook for a minute or two, then put mustard and pepper on the top, then flip with a spatula. Adding more mustard to the pan is fine too, i usually do. Once flipped, you want to smash the burger hard. It’ll expand quite a bit and you’ll see pink inside . You can put a slice of cheese on if you’d like, but cover and let it cook.
You’ll have to figure out cooking times on your own. Don’t skimp on mustard and pepper to make that crusty edge. Also, don’t be afraid to really smash the burger after flipping. It’ll expand, widen out to bun size and have lots of surface area for a bit of fried char.